My brain and speech are out of synch. It’s as if there is a missing piece of logic. This has been the case for quite some time. For example: Yesterday I was talking with the mom whose children I nanny. Looking at the time I said “nine hours” when I meant to say “two hours” before her son had to go to school. It’s as if my brain isn’t wired for detail. No doubt this began after the Kundalini snap but I can’t explain this to people who know nothing about this energy system. And those who do still don’t understand why I can’t remember details or easily give sequential information. I am self-conscious about this because it happens frequently. I want to change this past, present and future pattern of limitation.

How do I connect what seems to be disconnected? How do I get more grounded so my words make sense? How do I “think” before I speak? It’s as if I can’t trust my subconscious to bring up the right words for spontaneous speech. I have to use my brain differently—what should be automatic is not. I suspect others think I’m getting senile. Yes, I care. Yes, I try to fit in.

I am remembering when I was in grade school and I often turned red with embarrassment. People would make fun of me and say, “Look she’s turning red.” I remember other situations where people made fun of me. Is this a therapy session here/now? And why at my age does any of this matter? Is it that I am still trying to fit in? Am I clearing out unconscious emotional debris so I can be more clear in this realm?

This is definitely a phase of one creative process. No, not a phase but a “thread” that runs through it all. I’ll have to digest that spontaneous thought. And that is my intelligence: letting words rise up spontaneously. This doesn’t work for me in linear life where I have to be logical. How do I create space for logic? Observation!

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