Monthly Archive: October 2020

and the beat goes on

I feel liberated this morning—on top of the world! What happened after such an intense emotional phase?

  • Did inner fault lines shift and settle?
  • Did tsunami waves level out?
  • Did honest communication between inner logic and intuition (s/he) get me to shore?
  • Did massage smooth out old and new?
  • Did disintegration lead to integration?
  • Did a cycle end and a new one begin?

Lots of questions. One thing I know. This body feels new—free !! I keep seeing a large bird on top of a tree. My conditioning thinks Eagle. My heart thinks Angel !!

An Emotional Day

I put post-it notes on her picture with the words “harmony, peace, and love” to duplicate Dr. Emoto’s water blessing crystals. I knew in my heart it was a matter of time. Yesterday was that time. She was happy, attentive toward her baby, and grateful I showed up. She was open and communicative! Yes, I am working to heal my family and—it’s working !!

I then went to my garden to gather squash and flowers. I melted into that space, simply being present with nothing on my schedule except the meditation group.

Somewhere my mood changed—or came to surface—and I was somber. I entered the meditation group late and could not relate to the merriment. I was definitely on a different page. Not sure if I fit in with this group that keeps pinging my phone and giggles before and after meditation. I meditate to connect in the field not to socialize. So now I have to decide whether to stay or go. And if I choose to go do I say why or just exit silently? Sometimes I can stay in a relationship and be uncomfortable until it reaches a boiling point. Maybe I don’t have to get to that point. To end a relationship gracefully, lovingly is a good lesson to learn. I am learning.

[A day later I communicated to the facilitator why I was in my own emotional world and not their playfulness. This response was spontaneous—not something I analyzed. It simply rose up for me to see (the “knowing” of reptilian brain?) and I delivered. Simple, easy and natural! Still unsure if I will return. This, too, will be revealed. ]


Awake at 2:30 am thinking about humans generating “temperature” and how this is the basis of attraction or the absence of. Is temperature actually pH balance? Do our feelings, thoughts, words and actions emit temperature as ph balance? How is this related to spiritual substance?

Life feels like one big pot of soup. I can identify the positive and negative parts but not sure how they fit. I can feel the temperature increasing as the mixture moves and so, I pay attention. Something is changing in the “field” of my awareness!

The commotion includes thoughts that I am cold blooded, not comfortable with the way some people/families are so “touchy feely.” It feels needy to me and in some cases borders on inappropriate. It makes me wonder if I am a prude and yet these are signals (temperatures/chemicals) that I read. I don’t need constant physical touch to be affectionate. The mom I nanny for acknowledged this by saying that I am a warm person. It seems to me that one’s aura generates love. I guess that is one’s light body. (Laughter, eye contact, tone of voice are all expressions of love if that is what’s in the heart.)

I met a couple women online recently who were inconsiderate by “snubbing” or dismissing me. I am sure I do that to others as well. I acted this way when I was doing online dating. How could I be so cold and heartless—so impatient and annoyed? So now I get to look at those temperatures and chemistries of emotion of my ego body.

I notice that I “tend” relationships and this includes time. I intentionally see my family and friends on a regular basis. Is this meeting my needs or their needs? I’ve never asked them about a time schedule. Some relationships I work at staying connected.

So much behavior is unconscious. A soup that has no recipe or instructions. A soup that’s gobbledygook! If I can unravel the parts I can know the whole—at least for a moment—until it is stirred again. How about a recipe where the conscious, subconscious and unconscious are in the same pot at the same time. Am I that pot? If so I want Light to do the stirring. I trust Light of Love.

This post if about my human self. It speaks of emotional ego and change of awareness. I prefer speaking from my Angelic self—detached from this world in so many ways. Oops! That is not correct. I am “getting” that Angelic is “consciousness.” I can’t escape this reality as long as I have this physical body. Maybe I am grounding into quantum soup.

Time to meditate….

Sage and Spores

Sage from my garden had been sitting on my kitchen counter for weeks. Last night I was inspired (where does that come from?) to burn it in my abalone shell. I walked through my apartment smudging while inhaling the invoking scent. When I smudged my plants I noticed the seriously cut back Fica (that has lived with me for 25 years) had two more mushroom friends. How did that happen? Spores from the forest must have come through the open window. How fun is that!

Early in the GOLOV meditation last night the face of a young man appeared. We looked at each other for a bit of time and then he was joined by others in the background. At some point the dots of past and present connected and he became a “little person” of fairy folk similar to the one I saw last summer in the field of Queen Anne’s Lace. This causes me to want to smudge more often in honor of the forest, wild mushrooms, and the little people. I am very aware that these spirit beings are now male. That is a shift !!

Testosterone, please

What the heaven and hell did I just go through? That was intense! Just when I thought I was landing I was tossed around by more waves. Interesting that emotional territory is said to be of water. I wonder if I can stop these cycles by using more logic? Can I smooth them out or are they grist for the mill? Am I grist for the mill?

What chemical or hormone do I need to be more logical? Is it testosterone? How do I generate more conscious choice rather than subconscious patterns? I’m not sure if this is the correct wording but it’s where I start. One thing is certain: more inner teaching is on the way.

Looking at and the article 8 Proven Ways to Increase Testosterone Levels Naturally I need to (these are my choices from many):

  • Lift weights (Yes!!)
  • Take Vitamin D (recent blood test agrees)
  • Enjoy a healthy sex life (!!)
  • Take ashwagonda and ginger
  • Laugh and be happy (!!)


My brain and speech are out of synch. It’s as if there is a missing piece of logic. This has been the case for quite some time. For example: Yesterday I was talking with the mom whose children I nanny. Looking at the time I said “nine hours” when I meant to say “two hours” before her son had to go to school. It’s as if my brain isn’t wired for detail. No doubt this began after the Kundalini snap but I can’t explain this to people who know nothing about this energy system. And those who do still don’t understand why I can’t remember details or easily give sequential information. I am self-conscious about this because it happens frequently. I want to change this past, present and future pattern of limitation.

How do I connect what seems to be disconnected? How do I get more grounded so my words make sense? How do I “think” before I speak? It’s as if I can’t trust my subconscious to bring up the right words for spontaneous speech. I have to use my brain differently—what should be automatic is not. I suspect others think I’m getting senile. Yes, I care. Yes, I try to fit in.

I am remembering when I was in grade school and I often turned red with embarrassment. People would make fun of me and say, “Look she’s turning red.” I remember other situations where people made fun of me. Is this a therapy session here/now? And why at my age does any of this matter? Is it that I am still trying to fit in? Am I clearing out unconscious emotional debris so I can be more clear in this realm?

This is definitely a phase of one creative process. No, not a phase but a “thread” that runs through it all. I’ll have to digest that spontaneous thought. And that is my intelligence: letting words rise up spontaneously. This doesn’t work for me in linear life where I have to be logical. How do I create space for logic? Observation!


My brain is feeling constricted/tight with all the details I am processing due to an upcoming retreat. I don’t experience this pressure while in nature, listening to music, drumming, doing arts and crafts, etc. Technology is a huge factor as my eyes focus on this small hand held device to process detail after detail. It feels unnatural and I wonder who or what is trying to shapeshift humans into machines. This left brain masculine focus has been dominant too long. Where’s the feminine right brain and emotional expression? Where’s the balance?

I expressed too much love recently. It happened in the moment but didn’t feel right after that moment. Why? Now I may hold back as I sometimes do when I feel joyful and childlike. Where can I freely express my feminine self? I express it within as I connect with Light Beings who use energy, not machines. Matter is becoming less dense. What does that technology look like?